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Tuesday, 12 May 2009

sorry

Set-up
I climbed those awful flights of stairs that I use as an excuse for my daily excercise at the Smith 9th stop so that I could catch my transfer. As I get to the top, I realized an F train had recently passed. Disappointed, I was debating which end of the platform I should be at so that when I got to the East Broadway stop, I would be let out right by the escalators. Hmm, should I walk further up? or further down? I glanced up and this immaculately dressed man caught my attention. I decided to stand by him. A little too close if you ask me especially since there was so much space on the platform. But I do anyway and turn towards my book.
The Looker
He was a very neat man... almost as if he fell right out of a men's catalog. He was mostly dressed in white. He wore a jacket that reminded me of a modern day version of a horse jockey's jacket. Underneath, he had on a white sweater with wide collars that overlapped each other held together by 2 rows of large brown buttons. He wore white jeans and cowboy boots. He was definitely a looker.
The Dialouge
Brute: (storming down the platform... stops) Awww man. This is some fuking bullshit! WHAT the FUK! I just want to catch my train and now... I gotta look at this?!?!
Looker: Excuse me? Look at what?
Susan: (takes two steps away... then back one step back)
Brute: (Moves closer to the looker.. takes a dramatic deep breath... looks into the distance and then turns towards the man) I just wanted to catch my fuking train. I come up the stairs and I gotta look at... (with his lips curled up, he gives the looker a nasty look)... never fucking mind... (storms down the platform)
**********************
I glare at the brute as hard as I possibly could. If only my stare could burn him alive. I look at the Looker and wonder what he is possibly thinking. Perhaps he really was engrossed in his literature or perhaps, he is fighting back the urge to fuck this man up. I admire his courage and ability to handle the situation in such a classy manner. I, however, felt disgusted with myself. Why had I moved away? Why did I not stand up for this man who was obviously just been discriminated against without being provoked? Why didn't I curse him out with all the dirty words I had in my curse bank?
When the train rolled up, I was glad that we entered the same car. He sat directly across from me. I was still feeling very angry with myself, except now, I wanted to apologize to him. Would he accept my apology? What if he didn't want to be singled out again in front the people who sat in the car? Should I apprach him differently? Should I sit next to him instead of across from him? "Sir, you looking amazing!" Would he understand what I meant? I was running all these scenarios through my head and I noticed his magazine. How fitting. It was a rayban advertisement: it said "never hide."
Jay street. He got up. Gone. Completely unaware that all this time, I had wanted to ... say something ... anything... to support him. All he would know of me was the girl that was too punk. Wait, maybe he wouldn't even realize I was there. But I did. I realized how punk I was.
He. The looker. Gone.
***********************
If I could turn back the hands in time... I... I still would not have known how to have handle the situation. This situation had the potential to have become violent because the ass was obviously aggressive. Weird as it sounds, I know that I would have definitely risked myself safety if it got to that point. But why should I have waited til then? Was the situation itself not enough of a reason for me to speak my mind? The Looker probablly thought he was all alone. What else was going through Looker's mind? What other instances does he face? How often? He seemed to be a strong man because handled the stiuation so well. Still, if I were in this situation, I definitely would've appreciated it if someone stood up for me.

Sunday, 10 May 2009

Dream

I've been told to write about my dreams because they do get pretty insane sometimes. I have tried but never been successful. One of the problems is that by the time I am awake enough to jot it down, most of the details of my dreams have already evaded me.
Loneliness
Scene I
I was chilling at my crib. It was not my brooklyn apartment but some dope-ass massively-large space with modern furnishing. I might have been in Shanghai. I had all my friends over and they were just partying, but these friends were not the familiar faces of my friends but I knew they were my friends in real life. I noticed something about this party, it seemed like everyone was in a couple. Everyone had someone or was with someone. Everyone was happy: dancing, talking, mingling...except me. I was sitting my grey wrap around couch, sipping on wine and feeling a bit confused. When suddenly this guy walks up to me. I have never met this guy. I don't remmeber much about his look except that he has blond hair. (strange) I don't think I know this guy in real life. Anyway, we really hit it off and we have great conversations. I instantly fall in love.
Scene II
Everyone was leaving. Someone shouted, "Common, we gotta get out of here." The vibe of this comment was not scary. Just Ending. Like these people were on a schedule to go somewhere else. In an instantk the party was over. Each and every person left through the elevator in my apartment. Finally, the last batch of people were ready to leave and I kept telling Guy to stay. He said he couldn't and he must go. He didnt even explain why. He had to. Simple as that. I knew in the pit of my stomach that he was leaving me forever. I couldn't get off the couch. I couldn't run over to physically hold him down or at the very least, get another hug. I reached my hands out and he did too but we never touched. They pulled him away. All I could do was, sit there and watched him disappear behind the elevator doors, out of my life. I turned to my couch and started to sob uncontrollably.
Thoughts
I woke up feeling so depressed. I couldn't help but to cry. The feeling of loneliness just consumed me.
Ever feel like you are surrounded by people you know... people you've known for years... and still feel so empty around them? Sometimes, I have this smile on, have seemingly great conversations but I don't feel like I am connecting. I am not sure why. I sort of get lost in my own thoughts. I am not even sure what I am thinking about but soon after that, I just wander off by myself. I don't quite want to be alone. I still want to feel the company of people, but just not want to be in the middle of it all.
*side note* a simple touch can be very healing
I wonder if this is because of the wall I put up. I have been told that I keep people at a distance. I don't really do it consciously. As a matter of fact, I try to stay concious of it and share my thoughts and feelings. With my friends, this can be scary because I am afraid that they wont like what they see. Criticism is a great fault of mine. It is very easily given but very hard to accept. (another aspect of me that I am working on... yes, criticism can help me grow. I know.). With guys, opening up is even harder still because the thought is.. why share that much, when eventually, they will no longer be a part of your life? Still, I am working to fight against these ideas.
I am alright. Trust me, I am. I think it's just Shanghai jitters. I still want to spend as much time as possible with my friends. I guess there are just a few issues I gotta hash out by myself.
Loneliness is an evil that swollows you whole... it eats your soul and then spits it out.. only to do it all over again. The key to success in this stiuation is to notice it right away and surround yourself with your friends. I have watched it destroy myself and others. If you are lucky, you will come out alive and stronger... if you are not, you will be reliant on substance for the rest of your life.
Today might just be a day of substance abuse: ice cream and movies for me.

Thursday, 07 May 2009

Marriage

Still, I am not used to this idea of getting married. Question is should I be? Not too long ago, I thought I was ready.. but life happens and currently, I'm focusing on me To be honest, getting married seems only related to having children. Having my own darlings... as appealing as it is... isn't ... at least, right now it's not.
"You're twenty seven honey, you need to think about getting serious and get married. I want to be a grandma" demands mom.
"You're twenty seven, don't you want to start a family?" asks dad
"Don't focus on your career so much." says Auntie
If you know me well, you know that I am not that tight with both my parents and you will also know that I am a good year and a half away from being twenty seven. I am not quite sure what is the pressure with marriage is. Perhaps it is because both my parents were married by the time they were my age (or at least pretty close). Maybe they want to see kids before they get too old. As I analyze my many conversation with my parents, I am beginning to realize it is not so much that they want me to get married, they just want bragging rights. Ahh, the baine of an asian american's existance.

Seriously, what's the big deal? My parents are divorced and had a bitter battle at that. Marriage isn't so much one of free will in my family. It is that of stipulation and conditions (as is their love for me). So these are my future husband's requirement from my parents...
1) Asian preferrably Chinese
2) Makes money or comes from money
3) Education
4) Tall and handsome (but can be waived so long as the other 3 reqirements are fullfilled)
As you may or may not have noticed this list does not include love. So far, marriage seems to be nothing but a pitfall of disappointments, broken promises, schedules, reproducing, stretch marks, infidelity, courts, stress, and then divorce. If you know those who have been with their spouces for more up to twenty years, they are damn lucky to have such a long honeymoon stage.
Marriage under my terms:
Trump: Must love me not dispite my flaws but including my flaws.
1) intelligent, open-minded
2) disciplined, organized, clean ... of the mind, soul and physical space
3) self sufficient (I can not stress how tired I am of taking care of people and waiting for them to reach their "potential") in short, be at my level right now.
4) patient and can compromise for the right reasons (I do know that I can be difficult to be with)
5) giving and kind
6) humble and honest (I really cannot stand braggers, exaggerators, know it alls and needy attention hoggers)
7) confident and go-getter but not one of impulse
8) a man of his word
9) support my needs, goals, and must be able to pay for the house (don't get me wrong, I will do my share, but knowing that my man can do it is a peace of mind that is hard to find)
10) be a man (this one is truly hard to elaborate on, but if i gotta do womenly things, then you gotta do manly things.. we''ll figure it out as we go)
Of course this list continues but I guess what woman wouldn't want it all from their man? Wouldn't they want it all from me? Being in horrible relationships has taught me that it's so easy to get caught up in the ideals of romance and the happily ever afters ... that the rotten parts of a relationship often gets totally ignored ... but by then getting out is a struggle.. it becomes a need to escape and that's only if you are smart enough to realized you are trapped. eeerr.. right.. back to the point.. no more convincing myself into relationships and then getting stuck with someone that don't live up to all they can be. All requirements must be met.
I will marry someday. I will wait for the right time and the right person. I will achieve my goals and do me first. When all the conditions are right, I promise to give it my all and prove myself wrong about bad marriages.

Sunday, 26 April 2009

Spring Rekindling
Yesterday's weather was amazing. The sun wakes up a part of me that makes me feel alive. Every Spring, I am surprised by how depressed I truly get from the cold. This year has not been bad though. It has been a year of learning and relearning about relationships/friendships.
- I can only be friends with certain people from a distance.
- Some people never change. Old habits truly die hard. People don't change unless they want to change for themselves. Even if it's obviously for the better, changing for a friend/significant other can be a start but will never work if it is the only reason.
- Girls can be super shiesty but ... they can also be trusted if you are lucky enough to find cool ones
- New level of friendships grow all the time
- Friends can be soulmates
- I enjoy cooking for my friends but dishes can be a bitch (therefore I no longer cook). I also enjoy being cooked for.
- I much prefer to dance with friends at a bar/lounge then talking to strangers
- Having someone take care of you can be annoying but can also be very satisfying. It is a good change from constantly taking care of and watching out for others.
- Family is blood. This is something that wasn't always clear for me since my family did not value relationships.
- Setting those boundaries are important but they are not always clear... and that too, is sometimes ok.
- I enjoy my weekend routine with my second family (I will miss this more than anything else)
- I enjoy being surrounded by people I care about.
- I love rekindling old friendships
- I love watching my friends grow and develop over the years
- I love friends who have no problem calling me to hang out (I do not make enough of an effort to call others to hang)
- Other people's darkness can rot your soul.
- I am learning to not feel guilty when I decide to leave people out of my life.
The list goes on... perhaps I will return to include more
(added on...)
- I don't want to and don't need to be friends with everyone.
- people sometimes hurt unintentionally
- people should sometimes be forgiven
- Sometimes people should be dropped from your immediate circle. If it is for the benefit of the relationship, it's better off "positive"... then becoming enemies.
I am a very blessed woman who has friends that love me and support me regardless of my decisions. Taking this job offer in Shanghai is a decision that I would've felt very guilty about a few years ago, especially since I cannot truly say if I will return to the States. With all the encouragements from my friends, I feel strong and capable of looking for that something that I've always longed for. What that is.... I am not sure yet but I know I will find it. One thing is for sure, I have a family of friends here that makes my heart swell so big with fluffy feelings, that I think I will burst. My apologies ahead of time if I become a mushball. I will try to contain myself.
It's time to shed the drama that was the past and begin new. I shall purify my soul, begin a new chapter in soul searching and remind myself that stress is a state of mind and Bliss... are some vitamin pills that you can take to make life yummy!

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

dream come true

Maybe I should start blogging agian. That way when I am away, people can still be updated. If people really want to be that updated with my thoughts.
My dreams are about to unfold right before my eyes. What I've wanted to do since college is now reality. I will be going to Shanghai. The tentative date is June 27th, day after public school is over. This is a bit difficult considering I will need to pack my classroom, my apartment, and then to China. How does one pack for living a year abroad? There is so much to bring but so little space.
Question is, how private should I get with my thoughts?
Well the big thing that is bothering me now is... I miss people. I haven't gone yet and I'm already sad. People have been getting sad on me and I have been telling them to quit it... to chill out until the time is right.. but now I have a job offer... and I am the one getting... sad. I went to Ohio this past week. Although, I enjoyed my time there, I was really sad that I missed out on things that were happening here. I missed out on MSG- Ringling brothers. I missed out on party night. I missed out on Kevin's cooking. For the most part, it's not like I am missing anything I haven't already been doing. It's just knowing that the ability to hang out with my friends on a whim will.... just.. stop.
I know, I know.. it is my dream. I am excited. Don't get me wrong. I am still excited.